Him whom my soul loves


“She held his hand like she never wanted to let him go,my husband told me quietly one evening. It had been a tough day. A co-worker whom my husband deeply respected was losing his battle with cancer. Russ and his wife had stopped by the office to pick up his things and say goodbye. He was a tremendously talented man, father of three young children, husband of a beautiful wife, and he had a contagious passion for life.

My husband’s words replayed in my mind as I cut the grass the following afternoon. It was an unusual statement from my husband.


“Lord, is that what my husband wants—to know he is so deeply loved that I never want to let him go?” The question simmered for a couple of weeks until one afternoon, a friend asked me how I was doing. When I hesitated and shrugged, she asked again, not letting me off the hook with a quick “fine.”

“I’ve been in more pain than usual,” I admitted, “and I’m retreating from the world again. Communicating is difficult when the pain is bad, and sometimes, it requires more energy than I’m willing to invest, and selfishness creeps in with the pain.”

Saying those words aloud—willing to invest—sliced through to my soul. Until I spoke those words out loud, I hadn’t realized that selfishness had crept in with the pain. I wondered how often I expected my husband to know what I was feeling, to understand my frustration, loneliness, and isolation, and to somehow figure out, without being told, how difficult communication can be for me when the pain is bad.

Too often.

I expected my husband to read my mind, but he can’t. Though God knows every word I’m going to say before I say it, even He wants more than that. He longs for an honest relationship with me, to spend time with me, to come to Him in prayer, to sit at His feet, and rest in His presence. And if that is true of God, how can it be any less true of my husband?

Suddenly, my husband’s words made sense.

We all long to be loved.

My silence wasn’t just isolating me; it was isolating my husband, too, cutting us off from one another. My husband longed not only for my words but also for my touch, to know that he was loved—deeply, personally, intimately.

Like I never want to let him go.

Happy Bubbles
Cindee Snider Re

Cindee Snider Re

Author, Designer, and Co-Founder of Chronic Joy®

Cindee is married to the man she loves most in this world, Mom to five adult kids plus a son- and daughter-in-love, and Lolli to an adorable grandbaby. She and four of her kids have Ehlers-Danlos and myriad co-existing conditions. While a life steeped in illness is not what she would have chosen, through it, she’s learning that the deeper the valley, the greater her capacity for joy.

Cindee is the author of Discovering Hope, Finding Purpose, Embracing Worth, and I Take You in Sickness and in Health.

I TAKE YOU IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH: Marriage with Chronic Illness

Cindee Snider Re

Rejuvenate, revitalize, rekindle, and reconnect with this insightful and enriching 10-chapter study (designed just for couples) that offers you and your spouse a safe place to grieve, heal, grow, dream together, and thrive as one – in sickness and in health.


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