CARE FOR THE HURTING ONES WHEN CHRISTMAS IS NOT “MERRY”
I recently offered to pray for my subscribers and was heartbroken at the depth of pain so many were enduring. Not only did I receive requests for those struggling with tragedies like the death of loved ones, divorce, disease and disability, but I was struck by the often hidden anguish over strained relationships, wayward children, infertility, singleness, financial crisis, depression, and loneliness. Many struggle in silence over the holidays. So how can we care for the hurting ones, especially during the holidays?
It’s hard to know what to say even when we are aware of people’s grief. Saying “I’m so sorry” feels trite, so it feels safer just to say nothing. But for those who are suffering, silence hammers the hurt even deeper, especially during the Christmas season when the ache of loss is intensified. Pain can feel heavier at the holidays, as the festivities acutely remind us of what we have lost or long to have.
I have buried a child, endured four miscarriages, gone through an unwanted divorce, parented troubled teenagers, and continue to deal with a painful deteriorating disability — so I understand how difficult this season of celebrating can be. While each person and each loss are unique, from my experience, here are five suggestions for caring for the hurting at Christmas.
1. CARE FOR THE HURTING BY ACKNOWLEDGING THE LOSS
Though our suffering friends may never mention it, the sadness of the situation will be a constant backdrop throughout the season. Having someone simply acknowledge your grief can be a gift in itself. When we verbally recognize their circumstances it shows we notice and care. Our words need not be deep or profound; just recognizing the ever-present reality of their pain can be encouraging.
“I know this season is particularly hard. I wish you weren’t dealing with this agonizing family situation and all of the fallout.”
“Losing your wife will understandably overshadow everything else that is happening this Christmas. We miss her too, and we know your pain is even deeper.”
“I’m guessing these health struggles make it harder to enjoy Christmas because you can’t do the things you loved and did before. I am so sorry about that.”
2. CARE FOR THE HURTING BY ADJUSTING YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Our friends who are reeling from loss this holiday season may not be able to do things they did in years past. Since it may be harder to buy gifts, they may not participate in the usual gift-giving. Social events may be too emotionally or physically demanding to attend. Always extend an invitation to those friends and even offer to go with them to functions. We often think they don’t feel like celebrating but including them can be just what they need. Be understanding if they cancel at the last minute. Suffering people often don’t know what they can do until right before the event.
Also, extend grace when they are down or depressed. Tears may appear unexpectedly and so can irritability. Do not feel the need to cheer them up but understand that their emotions may be constantly on edge. Sometimes we care for the hurting by just being understanding. The impact of your invitation and encouragement is appreciated more than you realize.
3. CARE FOR THE HURTING WHEN YOU ACTIVELY OFFER ASSISTANCE
Deliberately look for ways to help, and then offer specific suggestions. It’s hard to follow up on vague offers, so don’t just say, “If you need anything, call me,” because they probably won’t call. If you do offer specific support, be sure to follow through. It is a busy time of year, but if you have committed to help, they are likely depending on it and even anticipating the company.
Offer to help with Christmas shopping, decorating, or even gift-wrapping.
Since food is a big part of the holidays, offer to cook or bake something, or even invite their family for dinner. After my first husband left, it was a priceless gift to be invited to friends’ homes where we were able to form new memories for Christmas and the new year.
Offer to run errands like grocery shopping, going to the post office, or picking up children from school.
Keeping their children for the afternoon can be a huge help, giving them time to be alone, rest, or get needed things done.
4. CARE FOR THE HURTING BY CHECKING IN ON THEM
Ask how they are doing without putting them on the spot.
Even though everyone at a gathering may know them well and share concern for them, it is difficult to be put on the spot with more than a few people present — so ask in private. I have felt awkward and even embarrassed to be asked how I am really doing in front of a group; it’s harder to be authentic when everyone is looking at me.
Regularly call or come by to check in with them. The question, “How are you doing today?” can open the door to conversation since it acknowledges that grieving and suffering changes from day to day. It also lets them answer the question without feeling they need to summarize everything that has happened over the month. But don’t ask prying, personal questions or speak in hushed, mournful tones. That often makes people feel uncomfortable, and like a project more than a friend.
5. CARE FOR THE HURTING: ALLOW THEM TO GRIEVE WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX THEM
I am still indebted to the friends who let me weep and vent without analyzing or judging me. Trying to fix people only deepens their grief. Unsolicited advice feels like criticism. It hurts to be told that others are thriving under the same circumstances and then to get suggestions on what to do differently. Everyone’s healing is unique. Comparing grief can make a wound even deeper.
Offering to pray with them. Prayer without preaching goes a long way. But do not bludgeon them with mini-sermons or pepper them with platitudes. God’s ways are mysterious, so don’t try to explain them. A simple prayer can remind them that God is the only answer.
Sending them a card. Write a favorite verse that has encouraged you during your own times of struggle. This simple gesture reminds them they are not alone, giving them God’s words of comfort rather than just our own.
Texting them. Using technology is a fast and simple way to show you are thinking of them. God can use your text, with a Scripture attached if appropriate, to remind them that they are not forgotten – that they are remembered, loved and prayed for.
JESUS CARES FOR THE HURTING
For all of us, Jesus is our only hope. The real joy of Christmas is not in family or friends, gift-giving or parties, but in the incredible fact that God Incarnate came to earth and dwelt among us. Jesus took on flesh for us so that we would have life eternal in him. He walks with us and those we love and knows every detail of our struggle. Thanks be to God that the unshakable hope of Christmas lies solely in Emmanuel, for our God is truly with us. As He cares for us, may we care for the hurting ones around us.
*First published at Vaneetha.com, December, 2019. **Republished with permission.
Vaneetha Rendall Risner
Vaneetha writes and speaks about meeting God in suffering. She is the author of The Scars That Have Shaped Me: How God Meets Us in Suffering and her memoir, Walking Through Fire. You can find her writing at Desiring God and Vaneetha.com. Vaneetha lives in North Carolina with her husband Joel. She has two daughters, Katie and Kristi. Watch Choosing Joy in Suffering from Diamonds 2019.
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The astonishing, Job-like story of how an existence filled with loss, suffering, questioning, and anger became a life filled with shocking and incomprehensible peace and joy. Vaneetha contracted polio as an infant, was misdiagnosed, and lived with widespread paralysis. She lived in and out of the hospital for ten years. When she became a Christian, though, she thought things would get easier, and they did: carefree college days, a dream job in Boston, and an MBA from Stanford where she met and married a classmate.
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Vaneetha Rendall Risner
Twenty-one surgeries by age thirteen. Years in the hospital. Verbal and physical bullying from schoolmates. Multiple miscarriages as a young wife. The death of a child. A debilitating progressive disease. Riveting pain. Abandonment. Unwanted divorce. Vaneetha begged God for grace that would deliver her. But God offered something better: His sustaining grace.
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