DETERMINED TO THRIVE IN MY WILDERNESS
The first autumn had come and gone. The second one breezed through. College football season with my man. Pumpkin scented candles and cinnamon surround. Pumpkins and mums stacked on my new front porch, in our wilderness home.
Settling into my wilderness, I am determined to thrive and not merely survive. I will be intentional in cultivating peace, joy, and contentment.
Christmas came the second time around, this time with trees and gifts, Ann Voskamp’s The Greatest Gift.
I was celebrating a new year at The Wilderness Place. A new community, church family, and friends.
The wind blew strong and cold across our little ridge. Light snow, bringing quiet.
Life Went On. Mine Stood Still.
Tucked in my heart lay a bit of resentment I would need to eradicate.
I was determined to thrive, but somehow felt hindered. Blocked. Thwarted. Dependent.
If I wanted to go anywhere, someone had to take me — and if I needed to go somewhere, someone had to take me.
It was hard to not feel a bother to those I asked for help.
I am tossing out a disclaimer here: no one, HEAR ME, no one, not one single one of you, made me feel that way.
Chronic Illness is my side of the fence we are sitting on, my bench, and my story; this is how it feels when you live dependently on others.
DETERMINED TO THRIVE BUT HINDERED
Pride — it is an ugly thing.
Self-pity, when caved in to, is selfish and self-centered.
I may be determined to thrive, but pride and self-pity can get in the way.
If I want to go to Target, I need Zippy the scooter. Asking anyone but my Sweet Man to manhandle it is embarrassing to me.
I feel cumbersome when you invite me out, needing answers to questions that may seem trite. How long do you plan to be gone? Will there be a long walk?
Always, I need to be prepared, carrying enough Norma-Lyte, salt tablets, a list of medications, a list of doctors, should you need to call.
I feel the need to explain: I am going to move slowly and may need to sit and rest a spell.
I plod. You move at a quick little clip.
DETERMINED TO THRIVE BUT I AM WEAK
“Weakness, slowness, and caution have begun to characterize our movements. We plod. You could call our speed deliberate, because we almost have to deliberate before mounting the next step.” Luci Shaw from The Adventure of Ascent
Deliberation and caution in and with every movement. Frailty and pain, now, my constant companions.
Loss of independence is a different way of life. I have never been here before.
I was determined to thrive, but how?
“…why are my cells failing me just when I am getting the hang of this glistening life?” Luci Shaw from Adventures of Ascent
There are times I feel ungracious. Life moves forward in the day to day, while I am stuck here, or so it seems.
These are just a few of the things I live with daily.
DETERMINED TO THRIVE THROUGH GOD’S GRACE
I am determined to thrive, but I can’t do it without God’s help.
Even here, on days of giving in to self-pity, God meets me with His grace and gives me courage and provision for this new way of life.
Gratitude in the small victories will carry me when I cannot.
…for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world. (1 John 1:4b, The Message
He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. (John 3:30, NLT)
Tammy Mashburn
Tammy is an author, writer and blogger. She leads and encourages women in their spiritual growth, and leads a small group in her home, investing into younger women. Tammy is on the Women’s Ministry Team at her local church.
She and her Sweet Man have been married thirty-plus years and they live in the foothills of South Carolina with their loyal, furry friend Lola.
Tammy has found abundant life in relationship with God as she lives daily with an incurable neurological disease.
She also loves dark chocolate, copious amounts of coffee and reading.
You can find Tammy at http://tammylmashburn.com where she blogs regularly, and you can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Tammy is a contributing writer at Dahlia Collective and Life Letter Café.
You’re Invited to Discover More
Mornings In The Word
Tammy Mashburn
Mornings in The Word was birthed out of my relationship with God. My years of a shallow relationship led to a longing for deeper relationship. This book is for the women who have gone before me, who walk along beside me, and behind me. My longing is for you to find deep and abiding relationship in God.
You Gotta Keep Dancin': In the Midst of Life's Hurts, You Can Choose Joy!
Tim Hansel
Life can be tough. Stress, disappointment, heartache, hurt–all are part of the human condition. But while pain is unavoidable, misery is optional! No matter what your circumstances, you can choose to be joyful. Discover a powerful account of God’s working in one man’s physical and emotional suffering, helping him discover the real meaning of joy.
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
Brené Brown
True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are. It requires us to be who we are. Discover experiences that bring meaning to our lives—experiences of courage, vulnerability, love, belonging, shame, and empathy. Redefine what it means to truly belong in an age of increased polarization.
Story Matters
Story is the tale of our lives. And it matters. Chronic illness can be isolating and lonely, but sharing our stories can open a door, extending hope, and sometimes sparking a life-giving, life-changing conversation with someone else along the way. We’d love to hear your story.
Prayer
So, so beautiful Tammy. Thank you for expressing so well what many of us on this journey with chronic illness face. What an encouragement to read the Scriptures and heart of God that you have shared.