DETERMINED TO THRIVE IN MY WILDERNESS

The first autumn had come and gone. The second one breezed through. College football season with my man. Pumpkin scented candles and cinnamon surround. Pumpkins and mums stacked on my new front porch, in our wilderness home.

Settling into my wilderness, I am determined to thrive and not merely survive. I will be intentional in cultivating peace, joy, and contentment.

Christmas came the second time around, this time with trees and gifts, Ann Voskamp’s The Greatest Gift.

I was celebrating a new year at The Wilderness Place. A new community, church family, and friends.

The wind blew strong and cold across our little ridge. Light snow, bringing quiet.

Life Went On. Mine Stood Still. 

Tucked in my heart lay a bit of resentment I would need to eradicate.

I was determined to thrive, but somehow felt hindered. Blocked. Thwarted. Dependent.

If I wanted to go anywhere, someone had to take me — and if I needed to go somewhere, someone had to take me.

It was hard to not feel a bother to those I asked for help.

I am tossing out a disclaimer here: no one, HEAR ME, no one, not one single one of you, made me feel that way.

Chronic illness is my side of the fence we are sitting on, my bench, and my story; this is how it feels when you live dependently on others.

DETERMINED TO THRIVE BUT HINDERED

Pride — it is an ugly thing.

Self-pity, when caved in to, is selfish and self-centered.

I may be determined to thrive, but pride and self-pity can get in the way.

If I want to go to Target, I need Zippy the scooter. Asking anyone but my Sweet Man to manhandle it is embarrassing to me.

I feel cumbersome when you invite me out, needing answers to questions that may seem trite. How long do you plan to be gone? Will there be a long walk?

Always, I need to be prepared, carrying enough Norma-Lyte, salt tablets, a list of medications, a list of doctors, should you need to call.

I feel the need to explain: I am going to move slowly and may need to sit and rest a spell.

I plod. You move at a quick little clip.

DETERMINED TO THRIVE BUT I AM WEAK

“Weakness, slowness, and caution have begun to characterize our movements. We plod. You could call our speed deliberate, because we almost have to deliberate before mounting the next step.”  Luci Shaw from The Adventure of Ascent

Deliberation and caution in and with every movement. Frailty and pain, now, my constant companions.

Loss of independence is a different way of life. I have never been here before.

I was determined to thrive, but how?

“…why are my cells failing me just when I am getting the hang of this glistening life?” Luci Shaw from Adventures of Ascent

There are times I feel ungracious. Life moves forward in the day to day, while I am stuck here, or so it seems.

These are just a few of the things I live with daily.

DETERMINED TO THRIVE THROUGH GOD’S GRACE

I am determined to thrive, but I can’t do it without God’s help.

Even here, on days of giving in to self-pity, God meets me with His grace and gives me courage and provision for this new way of life.

Gratitude in the small victories will carry me when I cannot.

…for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world. (1 John 1:4b)

He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. (John 3:30)