AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND
Dear Future Husband,
There were many days as a young girl when I wondered if you existed. When I wondered who you were and what you were doing and how I would ever meet you. There have been many nights when I prayed for you, asking my Prince of Peace about you. He didn’t say much, but He held my hand and danced with me through it all.
There came a time when I began to seriously doubt a future husband existed. Not just as a possibility, but the likelihood. Through tears and then acceptance, I seriously thought about being single for the rest of my life. Though my heart still dreamed of you, I accepted the idea of being single as a strong possibility.
I AM CHRONICALLY ILL
Why? Because I am chronically ill. So often I’ve heard other chronically ill girls and women wonder if a guy could ever love someone who is so sick and dependent and unable. But you know what? That was never the part I doubted. I didn’t doubt that someone could love and be willing to marry someone who is chronically ill. I didn’t doubt that love was possible through God’s grace.
It was me I doubted. How could I ever marry you, knowing all the pain and burden that my illness would bring to you and any children we had. Lyme disease is known to pass from a person to their spouse and children. How could I ever do that to anyone?
I watched many couples and mothers and wives struggle to make things work in the midst of chronic illness. But they didn’t have a choice. They didn’t know beforehand. I do. I know. Those women do an amazing job, but if I could avoid putting such difficulty on others, shouldn’t I?
CHRONIC ILLNESS ISN’T EASY TO UNDERSTAND
I also really want a husband who understands me, and illness is something that isn’t easy to understand unless you’ve had personal experience with it. At the very least, as a caregiver. And I haven’t met many guys who have that.
Perhaps those were odd thoughts for a fifteen-year-old girl, but illness makes you think about things no one should have to worry about. Eventually, stuff happened to make me realize marriage might still be an option — God is pretty amazing, and I can leave it in His hands.
So I’m going to keep hoping. I don’t know how or when I’ll meet you. But until then, I choose to trust a God who has written much more impossible love stories.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
This wasn’t very conclusive, was it? Mostly, I just asked questions. But here’s the thing: while I don’t have the answers yet, I suspect I’m not the only one with these questions. For those girls wondering how in the world chronic illness and romantic relationships coincide, I want you to know that you are not alone in those questions. It’s why I wrote this. Remember that God is in control. While wondering about your Prince Charming, throw yourself into the arms of your Prince of Peace.
First published February 2019 at sgwilloughby.com. Published with permission.
Author and Chronic Joy® Ministry Partner
Sara is the author of He’s Making Diamonds: A Teen's Thoughts On Faith Through Chronic Illness and host of the annual Diamonds Conference for chronically-ill Christians. She loves to write and adventure - be it a new board game with her family, trying a weird food, or diving into a fantasy book. Sara is a TCK, a Lymie, and a Young Life Leader.