Care For The Hurting Ones At Holiday Time

CARE FOR THE HURTING ONES WHEN CHRISTMAS IS NOT MERRY

I recently offered to pray for my subscribers and was heartbroken by the pain many endured. Not only did I receive requests for those struggling with tragedies like the death of loved ones, divorce, disease, and disability, but I was struck by the often-hidden anguish over strained relationships, wayward children, infertility, singleness, financial crisis, depression, and loneliness. Many struggle in silence over the holidays. So how can we care for the hurting, especially during the holidays?

It’s hard to know what to say even when we are aware of people’s grief. Saying “I’m so sorry” seems trite, so it feels safer just to say nothing. For those suffering, however, silence hammers the hurt even deeper. This is especially true during the Christmas season when the ache of loss is intensified. Pain can feel heavier at the holidays, as the festivities acutely remind us of what we have lost or long to have.

Because I have buried a child, endured four miscarriages, gone through an unwanted divorce, parented troubled teenagers, and continue to deal with a painful, deteriorating disability, I understand how difficult this season of celebrating can be. While each person and each loss are unique, here are five suggestions for caring for the hurting at Christmas:

1. Acknowledging the loss

Though our suffering friends may never mention it, the sadness of the situation will be a constant backdrop throughout the season. Having someone simply acknowledge their grief can be a gift in itself. When we verbally recognize their circumstances, it shows we notice and care. Our words need not be profound; just acknowledging their pain’s ever-present reality can be encouraging.

Consider saying:

• “I know this season is particularly hard. I wish you weren’t dealing with this agonizing family situation and all of the fallout.”

• “Losing your wife will understandably overshadow everything happening this Christmas. We miss her too, and we know your pain is even deeper.”

• “I’m guessing these health struggles make it harder to enjoy Christmas because you can’t do the things you loved and did before. I am so sorry about that.”

2. Adjusting your expectations

Our friends who are reeling from loss this holiday season may be unable to do things they did in years past. Since it may be harder to buy gifts, they may not participate in the usual gift-giving. Social events may be too emotionally or physically demanding to attend.

Always extend an invitation to those friends and even offer to go with them to functions. We often think they don’t feel like celebrating, but including them can be just what they need. Be understanding if they cancel at the last minute. Suffering people often don’t know what they can do until right before the event.

Extend grace when they are down or depressed. Tears may appear unexpectedly, and so can irritability. Do not feel the need to cheer them up but understand that their emotions may constantly be on edge. Sometimes, we can care for the hurting by just being understanding. The impact of your invitation and encouragement is appreciated more than you realize.

3. Actively offer assistance

Deliberately look for ways to help and then offer specific suggestions. It’s hard for those hurting to follow up on vague offers, so don’t just say, “If you need anything, call me,” because they probably won’t call. If you do offer specific support, be sure to follow through. It is a busy time of year, but if you have committed to help, they may depend on it and even anticipate the company.

• Offer to help with Christmas shopping, decorating, or even gift-wrapping.

• Since food is a big part of the holidays, offer to cook or bake something. Invite their family for dinner. After my first husband left, it was a priceless gift to be invited to friends’ homes, where we could form new memories for Christmas and the new year.

• Offer to run errands like grocery shopping, going to the post office, or picking up children from school.

• Keeping their children for the afternoon can be a huge help, giving them the gift of time to be alone, rest, or get needed things done.

4. Check in on them

Ask your hurting friend how they are doing without putting them on the spot. It is difficult to be put on the spot with more than a few people present, even though everyone at a gathering may know them well and share concern for them — so ask in private. I have felt awkward and even embarrassed to be asked how I am really doing in front of a group; it’s harder to be authentic when everyone is looking at you.

Call or come by to check in with them regularly. The question, “How are you doing today?” can open the door to conversation since it acknowledges that grieving and suffering change daily. It also lets them answer the question without feeling they need to summarize everything that has happened. Try not to ask prying, personal questions or speak in hushed, mournful tones. That often makes your friend feel uncomfortable, more like a project than a friend.

5. Sit with them as they grieve without trying to fix them

I am still indebted to the friends who let me weep and vent without analyzing or judging me. Trying to fix people only deepens their grief. Unsolicited advice feels like criticism. It hurts to be told that others are thriving under the same circumstances and then to get suggestions on what to do differently. Everyone’s healing is unique. Comparing grief can make a wound even deeper.

Consider:

• offering to pray with them. Prayer without preaching goes a long way. Do not bludgeon them with mini-sermons or pepper them with platitudes. God’s ways are mysterious, so don’t try to explain them. A simple prayer can remind them that God is the only answer.

• sending them a card. Could you write a favorite verse that has encouraged you during your times of struggle? This simple gesture reminds them they are not alone, giving them God’s words of comfort rather than our own.

• texting them. Using technology is a fast and simple way to show you are thinking of them. God can use your text (with a Bible verse attached if appropriate) to remind them that they are not forgotten — that they are remembered, loved, and prayed for. 

JESUS CARES FOR THE HURTING

Jesus is our only hope. The real joy of Christmas is not in family or friends, gift-giving or parties, but in the incredible fact that God Incarnate came to earth and dwelt among us. Jesus took on flesh for us so that we could have eternal life in Him. He walks with us and those we love and knows every detail of our struggle. Thanks be to God that the unshakable hope of Christmas lies solely in Emmanuel, for our God is truly with us! May we care for the hurting ones around us as He cares for us!

First published at Vaneetha.com, December, 2019. Published with permission.