Where is God in My (Disappointment)?

Disappointment

I clutched the bouquet and turned to face the double doors, heart racing. My groom was waiting just thirty steps away.

“Are you okay?” my dad asked.

“I’m just excited and nervous!” I squeaked.

Then my husband put a ring on my finger, I twirled around the dance floor with the flower girl, and dreams rose in my heart louder than the cans jingling behind us as we drove away.

I could picture it all: a cute little apartment, us sitting hand in hand across the table from a family with whom we were sharing the gospel, and life growing inside me—tea steaming, God working, and a hike planned for the weekend.

We had worked hard to get to our wedding day, and I was ready for the adventure ahead.

(I thought.)

However, something else met us on our honeymoon: disappointment. Quality time was tainted by emotional burnout, and a health scare hindered romantic walks in the snow. My first call was to our doctor while we nervously monitored vitals. When the situation stabilized, disappointment crept in.

Hope and disappointment continued to cycle in the months after. Maybe you feel stuck in a similar cycle.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOPES

I hoped to grow in financial stability—but we were faced with medical bills we never anticipated.

I hoped to reconnect with friends—but I was lonely and struggling with unmet expectations.

I hoped to learn about our new community and travel with my new husband—but we had so many car troubles that I was relieved to give my car to Habit for Humanity.

I hoped for laughter—but I found my heart shredded by the loss of someone I loved.

I hoped to join in local ministry with my husband, learning how to serve people well together—but instead, I found myself bedridden from a complex injury.

I had faced disappointment before. I knew marriage wouldn’t be a fairy tale, but I did not expect to be hit immediately from every side. Crying out to God one day (not knowing quite how to express the unseen burdens in my heart), I wrote one of my first laments.

A LONGING EXPRESSED

Abba, I come here in my longing
A strong hope built over many years
I yearn with my heart, mind, and body

This desire is good and I do not know why you withhold it
May you lift from me this burden or else fulfill it
Yet, if you do not, I simply ask for your comfort

Weep with me, as the world is not as it is meant to be
My bodily limits and my heartbreaking frustrations
Nothing else can substitute for what I desire
It hurts more than I realized

Though this empty space hurts, I know that you are good
Though it feels unfair, I know that you are good

I choose to cease my striving
Help me cease my striving
I choose to keep hoping
Show me what hoping looks like

I surrender my control
I cannot make this longing pass
You can

Why do you not bring it?
What do you have for me in the waiting?
Will you please fulfill this desire you’ve given me?

Though I grieve the loss of beauty and good, I trust that you are beautiful and good
I trust that you hold beauty and goodness for me

Months after the wedding, I pulled out my bouquet. I had intended to press it before chronic pain sent me to bed. Like my heart, the flowers had wilted.

I THOUGHT I COULD FIX IT

At first, I tried to be resilient and fix the problems on my own. I had been through suffering before and considered myself tough. It did not feel fair that I faced these disappointments on the heels of everything else I had been through, but I thought I could figure it out.

So, I did everything possible to find my way out of the disappointments.

• I traveled across states to see doctors.
• I brainstormed new money-making ideas.
• I tried to make friends.
• I took a sabbatical, hoping to renew my emotional and mental energy.
• I prayed for healing, for change, for help.
• I begged (like the psalmist in Psalm 77:7-9):

Will the Lord reject forever?
    Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
    Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?

Sobbing, I fell to my knees, my heart broken open, and my whole body aching with the frustration and sorrow of disappointed hopes.

“God, what do you want of me?”

I tried everything I knew, and even now, I am deeply disappointed as I write, “God, I give up. I give up trying to fix things—but I also give up my control. I don’t know the way out. I don’t know the next step—but I do know who You are.

WHO GOD IS CHANGES EVERYTHING

God is Father. God is love. God has not yet provided a way out, but He has provided for me as I go through this.

Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
    the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will consider all your works
    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” (Psalm 77:10-12)

God is good. God is all-powerful. The combination of those two traits makes Him trustworthy.

Friend, you may not know how you will get through your present trial or understand what God is doing—but do you know who God is?

We can trust His character.

God didn’t give me the changed circumstances I was hoping for as I broke before Him, but He asked me to continue. Maybe obedience for me wasn’t about doing something new or changing anything. Perhaps it was simply continuing in the face of disappointment, trusting God to be who He says He is.

Will you join me in that?

PRAYER

Lord, it seems disappointment is always before us—things we do not want or expect. Help us express our lament to You amid these situations, noticing the gifts of grace, kindness, and comfort Your hand extends to us. In Your tender name, amen.

Questions for Reflection

• What are you disappointed about right now? What had you hoped for instead?
• How has God worked in your life?
• What attribute of God do you need to remember right now?
• Have you told God your sorrows? Click here to learn how to write a lament.