From Darkness into Light: Choosing to Trust

​FROM DARKNESS INTO LIGHT: AN EARLY MORNING CHOICE

When the alarm goes off in the morning, she hears him sigh deeply beside her. It’s the sigh that reaches through the long span of the ages, the sigh of Adam waking from dreams of the Garden in his later years. It’s the sigh of brokenness, the loathing to open the eyes, the dread of what the day may hold. She hasn’t even gotten out of bed yet and already defeat sits heavily on her chest.

Right then, she has a choice. Too often, she has chosen the way of anger, of bitterness and frustration, of sorrow – but today, because she can hear the song sparrow through the window, sweetly lifting his music to the morning, today she makes another choice.

Before she opens her eyes, she whispers the words tucked into her heart.

Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you, I entrust my life. (Psalm 143:7-8)

The words are wooden, lifeless, remote. There, on the edge of sleep, they do not have a body to animate their meaning. She lifts the covers, swings her legs around, and plants her feet on the floor. She knows how to bring the words to life. It’s the only thing that works for her lately. Quietly, she moves down the stairs and sits by the bay. She watches the first fingers of light stroke the earth tenderly. Already, she feels the Spirit move within her. She fingers the oniony pages that breathe life until she finds what she seeks.

FROM DARKNESS INTO LIGHT AND BEAUTY

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Ten minutes. That’s all it took, but some days, the weight of those ten minutes is too heavy to move her out of bed.

“The Christian must not only accept suffering, he must make it holy. Nothing so easily becomes unholy as suffering. Only faith can consecrate suffering,” Thomas Merton writes.

Suffering by itself is evil, but when we seek God within it, we can more abundantly receive the mercy and grace of God.

Why is this so hard to do – to deliberately hand over this pain?

It feels like it is not hers to give. She is a bystander, an observer. At first blush, these seem to claim the passive role. Hasn’t she already begged for action? Hasn’t she bumped up against that wall time and time again?

This darkness, however, covers the entire household. She watches helplessly as it enfolds her children, inking out the light of the early years. She knows she must be the one who acts. So, she begins. She declares war on the dark and fights it with Words of Light. She knows the light is more powerful than the dark. It only requires a flint.

She resolves to let beauty be that spark. Whenever the dark threatens, this is where she will go – into beauty and light.

*This post contains reflections on loving someone who has Depression. These words cannot replace medical or psychological treatment, but I hope they will be a source of encouragement.