Fear of the Flare

THE BEGINNING OF THE FEAR

A shiver of fear ran down my spine as I heard the diagnosis from my rheumatologist a decade ago: “There is no cure for rheumatoid arthritis, only management.” Then he gave his prescription for the usual course of treatment, along with an extra medicine (prednisone) to be used for a flare.

I left his office with very little information. What I did have was an inner fight that had risen in response to what the doctor had told me. Whatever it took, I would conquer this disease and the fear that accompanied it.

WHAT IS A FLARE?

Why would the rheumatologist talk about treating the disease and then mention this other word (flare) as if it were a separate illness? How would I know when to take that extra medication?

I found a wide range of definitions for a flare. The Arthritis Foundation website states plainly: “When it comes to defining flares, doctors and patients often don’t agree, and even individual patients have differing definitions.” 

My rheumatologist eventually explained his definition of a flare as unbearable pain, locking joints in immobility. I certainly had experienced that a few times and didn’t want it to happen again. I would take the medicines, change my lifestyle, and do anything necessary to avoid that kind of pain.

AVOIDANCE WAS NOT POSSIBLE

However, I soon found out that I simply could not avoid having a flare. My body was not able to accept the medications usually prescribed for rheumatoid arthritis. The flares frequently returned, causing flowing tears and cries for mercy.

After many medication failures and many visits with this doctor (who left me feeling ashamed that my disease was not under control), I felt the Lord’s grace to seek a new rheumatologist. When we moved, a rheumatologist change was again necessary—then yet another change because of insurance requirements.

MULTIPLE DEFINITIONS DEEPEN THE FLARE

Each new doctor defined flare differently. One suggested that I was having flares from the other diseases I carried (fibromyalgia, Sjogren’s syndrome, occipital neuralgia), each one causing the others to be worse. I had not realized that other diseases could also have flares. This deeper understanding now seeded a deeper fear in me.

Another rheumatologist explained that there was no hard and fast rule, but he defined a flare as a period of heightened disease activity with extremely heavy symptoms in multiple areas. Both he and the next rheumatologist gave me the freedom to pace out the prednisone bursts myself, as I seemed to be managing quite well.

I knew I was not managing anything. It was only God’s grace that helped me pace out the extra prednisone when all the other medications failed. 

GRACE LIFTED FEAR INTO WORSHIP

I thought I had learned to wait upon God and listen for His prompting to care for my body. However, one morning, in severe pain, I realized I was facing every day with fear, waiting for the next flare. 

• Would this pain last all day? 
• What if the flare increased, and it was too soon to take the prednisone burst? 
• What if the flares returned and never left?

As I lifted my cries for mercy before Him, I felt something shift in my heart. I still woke with pain that kept me hobbling and stiff, but I felt His presence confronting my fear. He called me to enter into worshipping Him right there: 

• Worship Him because the pain is not my master. 
• Worship Him because the trial is proving His strength within me. 
• Worship Him because I know it is not about me but all about Him!

From this worship, a poem expressing the honest lament that He called forth was birthed:

FEAR OF THE FLARE TRANSFORMED

Flaming inferno
Tendrils wrapping fire escapes
Landing in my joints

Oh Dear Lord how long
Until the flaring sears my
Soul and my body

Should I surrender
Since nothing quenches, nothing
Stops furious heat?

Surrender to what?
I hear a whisper above
Only love can soothe

So come, my heart cries
Source of love wash the burnt ground
Smother the embers

See scorched earth where
Flares were jumping over fences
Fire lines collapsing.

Can love slow this ache?
Heal the scars where flames
Cut deep?

Soften bitter heart?

For I will pour out water on the thirsty land
And streams on the dry ground;
I will pour out My Spirit on your offspring. (Isaiah 44:3)

Yes Lord bring the rain
Bring the comfort and the balm
Drench the roaring fire.

As the flare eases
Piercing eyes look upon joints,
marrow of my heart

The Word of God is
Living, active dividing
False faith from true

Searching between joint
Or disease, what remains of
The bitter or sweet

Where bitter dwelt
New ground springs up sweet and pure
Disease has not won

Bones and sinews held
By faith and graced with love
How can life be here?

All praises to my God
Who alone holds onto me
Bearing through the flame.

Faith shining as pure
Underneath the flare, His love
Was stronger than fire.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. (Isaiah 43:2)

So each moment’s pain
Calls forth a voice deep within
Born from tested faith

Tested faith of gold
Worships Jesus in the fire
Worships Him of grace

Grace given for me
Strength poured over from His hand
Praises in the flare!

FAITH THROUGH TRIALS RESULTS IN PRAISE 

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which perishes though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; (1Peter 1:6-7)

Are you facing a flare? I would love to pray with you today:

PRAYER

Dear Lord Jesus, thank You for meeting us in the depth of our pain, in the flaring fire of every trial. Will You lift the eyes of our hearts today? Bring Your grace and mercy to every fearful place and show us how You transform fear into the pure gold of faith gifted by You. In Your name, we pray, amen.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

• What fear is flaring in your life today?
• How is the Lord calling to you from within your pain?
• What faith is being stirred from deep within this trial?

AN INVITATION

Could I encourage you to open God’s Word and read the verses quoted in two of Chronic Joy’s printables: 13 Verses to Lean Into and Verses of Hope for Dark Days? His Word is living and active, meeting us right where we are.