(Reflect) Deer Heart: A Thirst for Christ

“I have felt the Lord’s protection—not from my troubles but in them.” Megan Willome

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​REFLECT

DIRECT 

Most people seek spiritual direction for a set period, perhaps six months or a year. I have been with Kathi (my spiritual director) for twelve years. In my defense, it’s been quite the twelve years.

So much of the spiritual fruit in my life has happened between our visits together. Because of her prayers and guidance, I joined the music ministry at church and published a collection of spiritual poetry—although those were not the reasons I sought her out. I came because our family had fallen apart as if a wildfire had roared through and eaten all we held dear. I didn’t know how to go on.

For years, Kathi and I got no farther than sorting through and clearing away rubble—but in that open space, she helped me rebuild. She knows my vulnerable places, the hallway in my wall (that I wish wasn’t there) that can be turned into a highway for the Lord. (A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God.” Isaiah 40:3)

COLLECT

In liturgical churches, the church says Happy New Year! around the first of December; Advent then occurs not at the end of the year but at the beginning. So, as Thanksgiving loomed, I took an hour alone in the chapel with Jesus and my notebook to collect and reflect on what I was thankful for from this past year. Kathi was high on the list.

Some items I scribbled from memory, and others I wrote down after scrolling back through 2024’s calendar. I filled three pages in my journal with gratitudes. When I went to the chapel to reflect that Thursday afternoon, I was burdened by all the prayers left unanswered, the yokes still carried—but I left feeling lighter, less wilderness-y.

God has not abandoned me. I’m on a path—one that doesn’t feel like a cold asphalt interstate but more like the long and winding two-lane roads connecting small towns scattered across Texas miles.

PROTECT

When Kathi and I meet (off a hilly two-lane road), we often begin by reading a Psalm. One day, it was Psalm 42. The first verse reads: As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.

We recalled songs based on these words. We knew several, and it’s likely you do, too. One I love is a beautiful, haunting choral work by Arvo Pärt entitled The Deer’s Cry. There are moments when the women’s voices seem to cry like a deer. However, the eight voices do not sing the words to Psalm 42. They are singing an ancient prayer attributed to St. Patrick:

Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down
Christ when I sit down
Christ when I arise
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me
Christ with me

The deer’s cry of Psalm 42 is associated with this prayer because of an ancient legend. Patrick was in Ireland, converting people to Christianity. The king opposed him, sending armed men to stop him. When Patrick prayed Psalm 42, the bandits could not see him—they only saw a deer, followed by a faun. From this story of divine deliverance sprang a lorica, a prayer of protection now called The Breastplate of St. Patrick.

I have felt the Lord’s protection—not from my troubles but in them. Indeed, I do not know all the ways Christ has traveled with me: before me, behind me, and above me.

Remembering my gratitudes from the previous year assures me that my hope in God is well-placed. He is my Rock.

Alas, I am not that solid. I am sand.

REFLECT

I am sand in an overgrown forest that allows sand to co-exist with maple trees. Sometimes, walking this difficult path brings out the worst in me, parts I hope will disappear if I keep my head down and ignore them, things I can’t tell anyone, not even my husband or my closest friend—but I can tell Kathi. I can cry and pour out my soul with her in her little house with the big fireplace. She hears me and loves me, prays with me, and counsels me.

She realized before I did that my vices didn’t come out of nowhere. They didn’t suddenly appear when particular enemies besieged me in the forest. She knew they sprang from old wounds that needed Christ’s gentle, healing touch.

There’s always more for us to reflect on. Our visits are like a candle; outside, the wind is fierce, but not here, where two are gathered together in His name. I don’t always want to see what manifests in the light, but when I leave, I leave glad to have the hidden seen.

PERFECT

Chronic Joy has a free printable with a list of 22 Questions for Reflection (written by John Wesley in 1729). After answering them all, I felt a little discouraged, but I’d be delusional if I found no areas for concern in an honest examination of my conscience. The point is not perfection but venturing into greater intimacy with Jesus.

The one question I could answer without a doubt was number 22: Is Christ real to me? Oh, yes! He is more real to me now due to the twelve years of pain that necessitated the twelve years of spiritual direction.

I still mourn. My very bones still hurt. I am so thirsty—but I know living water comes from the Rock (Numbers 20:7-13), a rock I don’t have to strike. I only must cry along the road, like the deer.

PRAYER

Oh, Jesus, my Savior, save me! I don’t even know all the ways I need You—only that I do need You. Even here, even now, I reflect on Your goodness and mercy. I will wait for You.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

1. Pray through the list of 22 Questions for Reflection. Answer honestly, then be open to what the Lord might say.
2. This same resource lists attributes of God (with an accompanying Bible verse). To which one is your heart particularly drawn? With the verse provided, turn one of His attributes into a prayer.
3. Take some time to pray the Breastplate of St. Patrick, pausing to imagine Christ with you in all the ways described. Which line resonates with you the most? Thank Jesus for accompanying you in just this way.