Wilderness Marathon • Clinging to God Through Chronic Illness

A SACRED JOURNEY THROUGH THE WILDERNESS

Five years have passed since the words “No cure” were spoken to me; five years since I was stripped of self-reliance and the illusion of control and moved from independent to dependent; five years since the first of the hardest days of my life with a complicated chronic illness.

My days became about survival and overcoming anxiety. Any resemblance to my former life shattered around me. The definitive line that marked before and after the diagnosis had been drawn, and I needed to find a way to navigate the after.

How does one survive such a change? I had plenty of time lying on the bed to ponder these things; I wanted to thrive and not merely survive.

I needed a lifeline, and not just any lifeline, but an anchor to hold me in place when I felt as if I was flailing about.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain. (Hebrews 6:19)

HOPE IN THE WILDERNESS MARATHON

I could have hope amid the hopelessness, I could have firm footing in my ever-spinning world, and I could feel secure despite the unknown and unfamiliar. Grasping these things was not easy; it took every ounce of intentionality I could scrape up.

There were days I did it well and others, not so much.

Years before this, I had been rebuilding a broken faith, having lived years separated from God. I never wanted to return to the wasteland of living separate from Him. Daily, I prayed the words of Habakkuk.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there is no fruit on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though the flocks disappear from the pen and there are no herds in the stalls, yet I will celebrate in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation! The Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like those of a deer and enables me to walk on mountain heights! (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

 Little did I know that this investment in God’s Word prepared me for what was to come. God was helping me gather treasures from Heaven to hold in the jagged edges of my days.

MY MOST IMPORTANT RUN

As a former long-distance runner, I now see this journey as my wilderness marathon, the most important run of my life.

I am housebound, unable to drive, and some days I am unable to hold up my head. In my weakness, I dig deep into His Word, my entire being dependent on God’s provision.

He provides words of comfort on ordinary, quiet days. He provides banana bread and soup through the hands of precious friends. He summons cardinals to dance around the bird feeder and shows me a nest of three tiny eggs with Mama Wren peering through the glass.

FALLING IN LOVE WITH GOD IN THE WILDERNESS

It is here, in the midst of my wilderness marathon, that I have fallen in love with God all over again. As I am physically falling apart, He is transforming me, renewing my mind and the spirit within me, even in my weakness.

Though this is the hardest area of my life, it has also become the sweetest place with God.

There are still days of temper tantrums before the Lord, days of foot-stomping and ugly tears. There are nights I cry out for relief from my pain, but He is with me. He meets me where I am.

I have found a sacred holiness with God as I go about my days. This sacred holiness makes living this side of my life worth every hard moment.

PRAYER

Father, We all have our wilderness moments, and having a chronic illness can feel like a marathon. We can become discouraged by the daily burdens. And yet, within this, You meet us in ways we never might have known without our challenges. Thank You for meeting each of us right where we are. In Jesus’ name, amen.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

• What are some ways God has helped you navigate the ‘after’ (the changes brought about by your chronic illness)?
• Re-read Habakkuk 3: 17-19. What stands out to you as you read?
• Where have you found a ‘sacred holiness’ in the middle of your challenges? Ask God to meet you where You need Him today.