Navigating Love and Chronic Illness

LOVE AND CHRONIC ILLNESS

Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. (Ecclesiastes 9:9).

After waiting patiently (or not so patiently) to date and marry, I never expected the wonderful man I met when I was 22 to become my life partner.

We dated for two years, and everything felt great. We were full of life and falling hard for each other. Then, my health started to decline, and the vibrant woman he fell in love with felt like a shadow of herself. Overnight, I went from being free and adventurous to trapped and lost. While my friends explored life, I was stuck at doctor’s appointments, desperately trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

One night on a date, I suddenly found myself in the ER with severe stomach pain. It was a familiar scenario, but this was the first time Ben saw me so vulnerable. Over the next three years, I faced over ten mental and physical health diagnoses, including endometriosis, anxiety, and depression. Through it all, Ben was my rock, standing by my side all the way to the altar.

Navigating love while dealing with chronic illness was unexpected and hard. Disney movies don’t prepare you for the challenges of love and marriage. They don’t show you what to do when your happily ever after is overshadowed by struggle.

TWO CRITICAL TRUTHS

After being married for a little over a year, I learned two critical truths about navigating love and chronic illness.

1. Your life won’t be like the movies (and that’s okay).

Most little girls grow up dreaming of Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet for a happily ever after. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t my story. My husband is gentle, caring, and chivalrous. Still, life (especially when including chronic illness) does not mirror the movies.

Hallmark and Lifetime make love seem easy, picture-perfect, and magical. The reality is that this world is not our home; we’re merely passing through (Hebrews 13:14-15). As King Solomon reminds us, life can feel temporary and meaningless, yet there’s still joy to be found in everyday moments (Ecclesiastes 8:15). We are called to delight in one another (Song of Solomon 2:16). How do we do that when illness enters the picture?

Accepting that your love life won’t look like the movies is harsh. Navigating chronic pain as a couple is challenging. Yet, I’ve discovered genuine joy in my marriage. It’s not a picture-perfect movie; it’s real, just as God intended. Cherishing what we have doesn’t diminish the difficult seasons, but it does motivate us to seek brighter days ahead. We cling tightly to one another because every moment together is a gift I never want to take for granted.

2. Intimacy is possible (It just might look different.).

Intimacy in marriages with chronic illness might seem daunting, but it’s possible. This isn’t just about sex; the Song of Solomon highlights all forms of intimacy, reminding us how essential these connections are.

On tough days, intimacy might mean a warm embrace after a painful procedure or holding hands while I cling to my heating pad. Other times, it’s about deep conversations during a drive to another doctor’s appointment. Redefining intimacy as a couple requires letting go of expectations and embracing the reality of our journey together. We press into how we will be stretched as we learn patience through the process.

As a wife with stage 2 endometriosis, I sometimes feel like a failure. While I’ve never wanted children, I still face challenges with my sexual health. It’s heartbreaking to save yourself for marriage only to discover a body that doesn’t function as expected. Yet, this experience has taught me that deeper intimacy is possible; it just looks different than I once imagined.

Letting go of the pressure to fit into a specific mold opens the door to new, pressure-free experiences. It’s about leaning into the love of Christ when I feel undeserving. I’m reminded that I am still worthy of love, even when my body feels broken. After all, isn’t that how Love Himself was broken for us?

A CALL TO FIND MAGIC IN THE MESS

Navigating love and chronic illness can feel like a never-ending maze. That’s okay. Life may not match your expectations, but it can still beautifully reflect Christ’s love for the Church. He chose to give His life for us, even in our brokenness. The magic of love happens in these authentic spaces (Ephesians 5:31-32; Proverbs 30:18-19).

Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. Many are facing similar struggles, and leaning on your spouse for support is essential. God placed them in your life for a reason. I often find myself acutely aware of how much I need both God and my husband – and that’s a gift I cherish.

Today, celebrate the love you have, even when it doesn’t fit the fairytale narrative. Days of diagnoses and procedures can be tough, but they can also spark unexpected joy and connection. Love isn’t merely happy endings; it’s woven into the raw, genuine moments we share. Find the magic in the mess, friends. Amid life and chronic illness, abundant love is found.

PRAYER

Dear Lord, navigating chronic pain as a married couple can be tough and disheartening. Help us release our expectations and embrace beauty where we are. I pray that everyone reading this feels Your love and understands that an illness doesn’t diminish their worth. They are still beloved sons and daughters of the King. Bless them in their marriages through Your abundant grace. Amen.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

•  How can you redefine intimacy in your relationship, especially during tough times?
• What steps can you take to embrace the reality of your journey rather than the expectations set by society or media?
• How can you celebrate the moments of joy amidst the challenges?