MARRIAGE

NAVIGATING MARRIAGE WITH ILLNESS CAN BE DARK AND LONELY.

Marriage with illness or pain can be difficult, but it can also be an opportunity to learn patience, forgiveness, and sacrifice—gifts to savor and celebrate.

NAVIGATING MARRIAGE IS CHALLENGING

Marriage is challenging at the best of times; adding chronic illness, mental illness, or chronic pain brings a whole new level of complication to consider and work through. There are no easy answers. Chronic illness affects each person differently and will in turn affect each marriage in unique ways. Our prayer is that here you will find encouragement for both you and your spouse. There is hope for a strong and united marriage as you seek a ‘three-strand’ relationship: you, your spouse, and God.

We have much for you to explore, read, talk about, and share. Browse through our printables, book lists, devotionals, and posts. Do it together as you face this challenging journey when the unwanted third wheel is illness and pain.

ALL MARRIAGES FACE UNCERTAINTIES

Do you have a wedding album? I was looking through ours the other day – the beautiful pictures, the joy on our faces (our younger faces). We included our vows in our album and I’m so glad we did. I love what they say. One line stands out and makes me smile, “Loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know – through the present circumstances and the uncertainties of the future …”

“Trusting what I do not yet know” … “the uncertainties of the future …”

All marriages face uncertainties. Many things can throw a wrench into our plans for our marriage – chronic illness is a challenging one. The statistics say that in marriages where one spouse has a chronic illness, three out of four unions will fall apart.

Our wedding vows went on to say: “… with the help of God, I choose to encourage and uphold you, to pray with you and point you to God, serve, forgive, and listen to you … and above all, love you, as we grow together in Christ.”

“ … WITH the help of God ….”

We can’t take God out of the equation. Who better than our Maker to walk us through our weaknesses – which are often made more evident because of illness? When we are weak, then He is strong.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9a)

What a gift that we get to help one another grow into more of who God wants us to be! As Timothy Keller says, “Love is the effort and desire to make someone else everything they were created to be.”

Growing Toward One Another

So, how can we encourage one another in growing towards each other and towards God, enabling the refinement of ourselves and our marriages through God’s grace?

A GOOD PLACE TO START

This prayer, written by Cindee Snider Re, is an excellent place to start communicating with each other and the Lord.

“Dear Lord, show us Your way today. Foster in us the humility and patience needed to be vulnerable with our spouses, especially when it is the last thing we want to do. Help break down the pride within us that all too often gets in the way of speaking the truth in love and learning to be more like You. Help us to openly share our hearts to each other just a little bit more each day, and through this, allow us to grow in our relationships with You and the ones to whom we said ‘I do.’ Amen” (from I Take You in Sickness & in Health)

We know that some of you reading this do not have your spouse’s support right now, but we pray that you can extend them grace to come alongside you in their time. In the meantime, continue growing towards God and your spouse.

COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES

One of the keys to any marriage is communication, something even more important when chronic illness is a constant companion in your marriage. Misunderstandings, mind-reading, and apathy can all settle in if we are not careful. It’s very easy for the person suffering to draw inward in their pain and fatigue. It’s common for the caregiver to bottle up how they are feeling as well. What if we shared those thoughts and feelings with one another and with God? Rather than guessing how the other person is feeling or what they are thinking, ask them to share.

We had some excellent advice early in our marriage: “Ask one another this simple question at the end of the day:

‘How did I bless you today?’”

It’s a powerful question that opens a place for communicating what really speaks love to your spouse. Why not give it a try?

Step in with 76 Questions to Connect You as a Couple to get you talking and connecting with your spouse. Take a look at the questions and have some fun sharing with each other. Enjoy the journey of talking with one another. There’s no rush – choose one or two questions at a time to talk through and pray about. Perhaps over time, laughter will pop up along the way.

Have you ever thought, “If only he’d/she’d say _____ to me”?

LEARN MORE ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE’S THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

No matter how many years we’ve been married, we can always learn more about our spouse. This is so important to remember when chronic illness is part of the equation. How do we discern what our partner is thinking or how s/he is feeling? Communicate! We cannot forget how powerful our words are.

If you are ill, you may wish your spouse would say, “I believe you. I know you’re doing your best.” Would this make a huge difference for you – and your spouse who needs to hear and know it? Share this with your partner!

If you are the caregiver, perhaps you feel forgotten and unappreciated. It could mean so much if your spouse said, “I’m sorry for not thanking you for all you do.” or “You are such a blessing to me.” It can make the extra vacuuming and household chores seem a lighter load.

Take a look at the printable Words are Powerful. Print it out and have your spouse highlight phrases that mean something to them or have them write out other things they wish you would say. Talk about this and ask God to help you become more aware of your words and their impact.

Chronic illness can become all-consuming and we can forget to dream together or even be hopeful about the future. Take some time to talk about your hopes and dreams. Use the Building Your Bucket List printable to help get you started. Consider creating a list of things you could enjoy together on a rough day.

NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS

• How about some music? Check out the suggested playlist after the printables. (A favorite is, I Get to Love You by Ruelle. Our spouse is a gift – we get to love them.) Listen to some of the songs on the list – rest in their melodies, listen to the lyrics, hold each other…
• Have date nights, hold hands, talk, laugh, dream – maybe in new ways.
• Encourage each other to have friendships outside of marriage. You need this—you can’t be everything to each other.
• Study the Word together. Press towards Christ and one another.

Allow the refining that will ultimately happen in you as individuals and as a couple.

 MOST OF ALL, PRAY:

• On your own.
• For your spouse.
• With your spouse.

As Katherine and Jay Wolf write in their book Suffer Strong: “…but what if we weren’t meant to change them? What if we were meant to know them and love them and see the truest version of them, the one even they can’t fully see? What if instead of the change agent, we were the cheerleader? Relentlessly hopeful, endlessly encouraging, expecting change to come from God and not from us.”

• Relentlessly hopeful
• Endlessly encouraging
• Expecting change
• From God

Love to you today. We’re cheering for you.

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Marriage is challenging at the best of times; adding chronic illness, mental illness, or chronic pain brings a whole new level of complication to consider and work through. There are no easy answers. Chronic illness affects each person differently and will in turn affect each marriage in unique ways. Our prayer is that these heartfelt blog posts will offer encouragement for both you and your spouse.